


Yes, No, Maybe, I Don't Know

by artist_artists



Series: Can You Repeat the Question? [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-10
Updated: 2013-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-04 07:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artist_artists/pseuds/artist_artists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I watched Malcolm in the Middle yesterday and it made me really want a fic where Kurt and Blaine are overwhelmed by their four monster children and are pretty terrible parents. Then this happened. Future fic, obviously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yes, No, Maybe, I Don't Know

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to januarium for indulging my madness, and for not writing it herself. I apologize in advance, to everyone. This is unbetaed and ridiculous. Finn no longer being alive is alluded to, not in a sad way.

“Hey, honey?” Kurt says into the phone cradled between his ear and shoulder. “I know you’re still with Cady at her Girl Scouts meeting, but-”

Blaine interrupts him. “Actually, we’re gone already. Cady was asked to leave.”

“What did she do now?” Kurt asks with a groan.

“You know that girl Leanna?”

“Oh, that _bitch_ , of course it has something to do with her.”

Blaine sighs. “Well, she told Cady her project looked like it was made by a six-year-old, which of course she found particularly offensive given how much she hates her brother.”

“And then Cady… murdered her?”

“Close!” Blaine laughs. “Just _threatened_ to. Indirectly. By telling her that when she was done with her, there wouldn’t be big enough pieces of her body left for the cops to find.”

“Jesus,” Kurt mutters. “Where does she get this shit?” He feels a tug on his shirt and looks down at his six-year-old son, who mumbles something unintelligible through the bloody towel Kurt’s pressing to his mouth. “What is it, Ezra?”

The boy mumbles again, and his older brother speaks on his behalf. “He said you swore, Dad,” Atticus informs him. “You better put a dollar in the jar.”

“My hands are kind of busy trying to keep all of your brother’s teeth inside of his mouth right now,” Kurt says through clenched teeth.

“Wait, what?” Blaine asks in his ear.

Kurt sighs. “There was an incident, that’s why I called. Atticus was messing around and knocked Ezra in the face with one of those ridiculous toy lightsabers. One of his teeth popped out, but I’m about 95% sure it was already loose. Anyway, there’s a lot of blood and he’s being whinier about it than he normally is about stuff like this, so I’m going to take him to the ER just to be safe. Are you almost here? I don’t want to have to pack up the baby and bring her there if you’re going to be back soon.”

“Uh, actually… we’re in Manhattan.”

Kurt’s eyebrows shoot up his forehead. “At almost 8pm on a school night? _Why?_ ”

“I thought Cady might want to get a cupcake. She’s had a rough night.”

“We have cupcakes here in the neighborhood!”

“Not her favorite,” Blaine says defensively. “We’re in line now, though, we’ll be on our way in a few minutes.”

Kurt sighs. “Can you guys just go to the ER? I’ll bring Att and Alexandra, and you can bring them home while I wait with Ezra.”

“Okay, sure.”

“This is what we get for giving our son Finn as a middle name,” Kurt adds. “He couldn’t have inherited his uncle’s big heart or gentle soul, _no,_ he had to inherit the clumsiness.”

At that, Ezra starts mumbling around the towel again.

“What, sweetie?” Kurt asks him, moving the towel back a bit and wincing at the bloodstains.

“He’s not CLUMSY!” Ezra yells with a heavy lisp. “He did it on purpose!!!!”

“I’m sure that’s not true, he-”

“It’s true,” Atticus says with a shrug. “He was being _so_ whiny.”

“You better be joking,” Kurt tells him, voice icy. “You better be joking, or I swear to _god_ -”

“Daaaaaaddy,” Ezra wails, catching sight of the bloody towel. “I’m bleeding so much!”

Kurt tries to reassure him. “It’s not as bad as it looks!”

“Everything okay over there?” Blaine asks, sounding concerned.

“He’s fine. Like I said, he’s being extra whiny, probably because _someone_ told him that the monster living in the backyard feeds on blood in an attempt to make him be more careful on the swingset.”

“Uh, you told him that, actually,” Blaine says. “I just went along with it.”

“Fuck, you’re right,” mutters Kurt.

“Swear jar, Daddy!” Ezra yells.

“If you keep cursing like this, we’re going to be able to go to Disney World by, like, tomorrow,” Atticus remarks. From her spot on the floor with her toys, Alexandra squeals with delight.

“She doesn’t even know what Disney World _is_ ,” scoffs Atticus.

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Kurt tells him. “No one’s going to Disney World, because we’re going to have to use all of the money in that swear jar for reconstructive surgery on your brother’s busted face, thanks to you.”

Ezra whimpers. “Daddy, I don’t want to get rec... recon… um, reconstrorted...”

“It’s not my fault his face is so soft and mushy,” Atticus mutters.

Kurt ignores both of them. “We need a punishment for Atticus.”

“No dinner for two weeks!” Blaine suggests. “Though I suppose that borders on child abuse.”

Kurt hears Cady mumbling something in the background, and when Blaine chuckles, Kurt asks Blaine him she said.

“Oh, um, she said giving him that name borders on child abuse.”

“You shouldn’t encourage her! She needs to be punished, too. She knows better than to threaten to murder her fellow scouts.” Out of the corner of Kurt’s eye, he sees Alexandra waddling toward the kitchen. “Shit, I have to go. Alex is on the move.”

“Swear jar!” Ezra cries again.

“The swears don’t count during emergencies!” Kurt snaps. “Atticus, please go stop your sister from somehow burning the house down. Ezra, put this towel over your mouth, because that backyard blood monster is _hungry_ and I probably won’t be able to keep him away!”

“So… the ER?” Blaine prompts. “We’ll see you there?”

“Assuming we make it in one piece, yes,” Kurt says. “Att, can you go get your sister’s coat and help her get it on?”

“If I’m old enough to help Alex get ready, I’m old enough to stay home alone,” Atticus says, trudging over to the closet.

“People who smack their baby brother in the face with a lightsaber are not old enough to be left alone anywhere. Get Ezra’s coat, too, but not his normal one, get that one he got the blood on last year. We don’t need to ruin another coat. Blaine? We’re going to get going, I’ll see you in a little while.”

“Okay,” Blaine says. “Do you have the insurance card?”

“Yes, though I’m pretty sure they have all our info memorized.”

Blaine laughs. “Bye, Kurt. Love you!”

“I love you, too,” Kurt says. “But if you don’t bring me a red velvet cupcake, we’re getting divorced.”


End file.
